leia131 | (no subject)

What better way is there to spend a chilly, rainy Sunday in October than writing Daft!Sirius & Endlessly Patient!Remus fanfic? No better way, that's what way.

So I present to you all, a fic.

Disclaimer:I don't own Remus or Sirius, sadly, nor am I claiming to. So please don't sue me, because I'm a poor college student and have no money to give you anyways.

I Would Like to Dedicate This Fic to the Ants That Are Still in my Room, in the Hopes That We Too Might Come to Live in Peace and Harmony

“There are,” Sirius said, trying to suppress his urge to shudder “ants in our dormitory.”

Remus looked up from his work to the sight before him. Sirius was standing in front of Remus’ chair, barefoot, hair tousled, and wrapped in his quilt. Remus briefly wondered whether he was wearing anything beneath it.

“Ants?”

“Yes. Ants.”

“Are they big ants?” Remus asked, trying to figure out why Sirius had come down here to tell him this, interrupting the overdue transfiguration essay he was staying up to do, and not soundly sleeping like he should have been.

“No,” Sirius replied, “but they are many.”

Remus sighed. “They’re just ants Sirius, and they probably only want the crumbs from the crackers you’re always eating up there. Just go back to sleep... What are you doing up anyways? I thought you were ‘completely knackered?’”

“I can’t sleep now Moony!” Sirius wailed, throwing himself down in the chair next to Remus and not answering the question. “There are ants in the dormitory! What if they get in my bed? What if they crawl up my nose and into my brain? What if they carry me away in my sleep? Moony… what if the ants are out to get me? What if they’re just waiting for the right moment to strike? What if-“ Remus put a hand over Sirius’ mouth to stop his hysterical rambling.

“They’re only ants Sirius. They want food, not you. They are not out to get you, they do not have a vendetta against you, no ant has put out a hit on your life, and even if they could, they would not crawl up your nose and into your brain. They’re smart enough to know that that’s an exercise in futility anyways.” Remus smiled his best teasing smile and looked to Sirius for an acceptance of his reassurances.

“But they could carry me away?”

“No Sirius, they wouldn’t want you. And in any case, they wouldn’t be able to open the door.”

“Jut the same Moony, I don’t want to go back up there with them. They’re all... crawly and multi-legged.”

“So banish them. Transfigure them into pebbles. They’re tiny little ants Sirius, and you’re a big strong ancient and noble wizard. Show them your magical prowess,” Remus said, still unsure why Sirius was making such a big deal of this.

“That doesn’t seem right though Moony. They’re so...tiny. It wouldn’t really be fair to use magic against them... Besides, what if I bollocksed it up-”

“Like you usually do,” Remus interrupted smoothly.

“Like I usually do,” Sirius continued, “and turn them into giant ants, or poison spewing ants or vengeful ants? Then what will I do?”

“Wake James and Peter and enlist their help in defeating the insectoid menace?” Remus suggested helpfully, beginning to suspect Sirius’ real motive in all this.

“That won’t work Moony, and you know it. James would run screaming to Lily to make sure she wasn’t begin attacked by ants too, and Peter would just run screaming. He hates bugs.”

“Especially giant poisonous ones,” Remus chuckled, almost positive he knew what Sirius was up to now.

“Especially those. The only one who’ll be any use in helping me against the evil ants is you, and you’re down here being all... studious... So I’m not going back up there without you. I cannot face the ants alone Moony. You must be beside me.”

Remus smiled as he listened to Sirius confirm his suspicions. “Well my dear Padfoot, I can’t go to bed or help you with your insect problem until I finish this essay. Professor McGonagall was nice enough to accommodate me after the last moon, and what sort of person would I be if I took advantage of her help?”

“A Marauder?” Sirius said, hopefully.

“Nice try. No, I’m going to stay here until I finish... But you’re welcome to stay down here with me, and I promise to rouse you and escort you through ant territory when I go to bed.” Remus paused for a moment before continuing. “And if you’re very good and let me work, I may even stay in your bed with you and make sure you’re safe all night. Very safe,” Remus finished, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“Right then. You work, I’ll sleep, and the ants can go bugger themselves,” Sirius responded, moving to a larger chair and curling up under his quilt.

* * *

After he had finished his essay, Remus, true to his word, awoke Sirius and led his sleepy friend up the stairs to their (suspiciously ant-free) dorm. When they had settled into Sirius’ bed, wrapped together cozily, Remus looked about at the ant-less floor and poked Sirius. “Padfoot. Padfoot, I know you’re awake.” Sirius grinned. “Padfoot, there were never any ants, were there?” Sirius shook his head, grinning even wider. “You liar. You dirty flea-ridden liar.”

Sirius rolled to face Remus. “M’sorry Moony,” he mumbled, opening his eyes just a crack. “Just couldn’t handle a bed without you for any longer. Thought the ants’d help my cause.”

“Oh, so the ants are on your side now?” Remus asked, smiling.

“Yes,” Sirius replied. “The ants and I have resolved our differences and decided to call a truce and live in peace and harmony with each other from this day forth. And it’s all thanks to you Moony. The ants saw how much you loved me, leading me up here all protectively, and just couldn’t bear to split us up, so they called a peace conference. Very nice and reasonable blokes, ants.”

“You really are completely daft, you know that?” Remus responded, chuckling softly and snuggling deeper under the covers.

“Yes indeed I do,” Sirius replied, closing his eyes again, “but you know I make your life more fun.”

Remus sighed in happy resignation, looking fondly at the mad dozing boy beside him. “That you do Sirius, that you do.”