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leia131Let me start by saying that I actually enjoyed this movie, and flat out cheered at one point during the climax (I do that, shut up). Also, I know almost nothing about actual polygamy, but then again I don't think the people who made this movie do either.
Guys, this is LONG, seriously, and I apologize. Also, trigger warnings for mentions of rape, suicide, and spousal abuse.
Ready? Then it's time to
The movie opens with a woman (Luann) and her 16-17 year old daughter (Julina) waiting by the side of the road for someone to pick them up. They are both wearing polygamy dresses and hairstyles (don't pretend you don't know exactly what I'm talking about with that, because you totally, totally do) but Julina also has a cowboy hat and Converse on because she is a 'free spirit,' although she won't cross the line to full on rebel for at least an hour.
The two are picked up by a tall thin old white guy, who imdb tells me is named Merril, but I can't recall anyone ever saying his name on screen. Merril is to be Luann's new husband, because her first husband has died and the Prophet decreed that she had to move into this cult compound and marry Merril now as his fourth wife. Despite the movie's title, neither Luann nor Julina really has a problem with this, except for the obvious problems that any sane person would have about losing a father/husband and moving to a completely new place full of strangers.
At the house we meet Merril's other three wives: Alice, the first wife, Blondie McUnimportant, the second wife, and Brunette Postpartum the third wife, who bursts into tears for no apparent reason on Luann's first night there. Blondie explains that Brunette's upset about no longer being the newest wife, but her issues are never mentioned again and have no bearing on the plot. This movie is so full of unused Checkov's Guns that I'm surprised Checkov himself didn't arise from his grave to bitch slap the filmmakers.
Anyway, while Luann is getting herself ready to get married the next day, Julina follows one of her new stepbrothers toward the sound of a ruckus. This is caused by a big-ass pick up truck driving through the compound, followed by approximately 270 children, all yelling "DADDY!" Julina and her stepbrother (who they make a point of showing Julina bond with, but you never see him again after this scene) join the gaggle and chase after the truck too. A man who I can immediately tell is skeezy because they hired this actor to play him gets out of the truck and gives his 300 children a single bicycle to play with. They are thrilled with this and run off to... I don't know what, exactly. Probably break it when more than one of them tries to get on it at once. This dude is the Prophet, he who hears the word of God and passes it on to his polygamous followers. He has returned from Elsewhere to perform the marriage of Luann and Merril, and Julina is a little starstruck by him.
Later, overwhelmed by all the wedding preparations, Julina wanders into the desert (because all polygamists live in the desert, obviously) and finds a boy staring up at the sky and writing angsty love poems in his journal or something. They have a SUPER AWKWARD conversation about how him lounging around with his shirt unbuttoned is a sin (even though he was totally alone until she showed up uninvited), and then about how her being alone with him is a sin, and EVERYTHING IS A SIN, OK? but you can tell that they don't really care. He is SO PRETTY and she is SO PRETTY and they are going to be pretty together forever. Julina says the earth was only created 6000 years ago, and he starts to say, "yeah, about that..." so you know that he is not a True Believer and is just going to be trouble for her, all trouble, all the time. (I don't know how many of you are familiar with Spring Awakening, but he is TOTALLY Melchior, seducing innocent schoolgirls with science and logic.) Something calls Julina away, and she doesn't see mystery boy again until the wedding.
At some point in here, Julina tells her chubby new friend Esther (on the right, in the HIDEOUS dress) about this cute boy she met who is questioning The Man, and Esther is like, "ooh gurl, you better not get mixed up with him, he's probably an apostate like that no good Micah who left us because he didn't believe in God and questioned the Prophet and was into hair dye and piercings and rock music." Julina, of course, takes no notice of this, because Esther's eyes glaze over with reverence whenever she talks about the Prophet, and besides PRETTY.
At the wedding there is dancing, and Julina and Ryder (his name is Ryder, by the way, because OF COURSE IT IS) are dancing with each other and suddenly everyone else at the wedding disappears and it's just the two of them and they laugh and spin and everything is flowers and lights and twinkly magic... And then it cuts back to reality, and they are just staring at each other across the dance floor, and I'm not sure if they even danced with each other at all.
That night, Merril comes to Luann and Julina's bedroom, looking like the creepy old man in a horror movie, to get Luann to do the sex, and it is AWKWARD AS FUCK. But Luann's implied reluctance to be married to this semi-creepy old guy is never mentioned again. Her absence, however, gives Ryder ample opportunity to sneak into Julina's bedroom (all of which we are again reminded is A SIN) and chat her up. The obvious Romeo and Juliet parallels are obvious. The conversation ends with him telling her to meet him tomorrow, and if she doesn't promise to do so, he threatens to scream and wake up the whole house. Since I'm pretty sure that would bring far more trouble to him than to Julina, "OMFG he totally broke into my room! Which is why I screamed!" she instead promises to meet him. I think the filmmakers think this is cute and romantic, but it feels more like stalker blackmail to me. Whatever, they're dumb teenagers, and if she resists too much the plot will never advance.
The next day the Prophet (whose name is Ervil, I shit you not) says that God came to him in a dream and revealed that Ryder (who is the Prophet's son, because OF COURSE HE IS) is destined to be the next prophet, and Ryder is... less than enthused by this development. This scene also shows Evil Ervil paying off the local sheriff, a development that is never mentioned again and doesn't seem to have any bearing on the plot whatsoever, except to maybe explain how Evil Ervil gets away with all the shit he pulls.
We are treated to a montage of Ryder and Julina doing cult compound chores like gardening and laundry and feeding the horses, all while they text back and forth to each other. The juxtaposition of their old fashioned clothing, chores from the 1800's, and cell phones is hilarious. It's made even more so because Julina has a flip phone, even though this movie was made in 2013. I guess polygamists don't believe in touch screens.
Later, Julina takes the truck into town to 'get groceries,' something that Alice First Wife disapproves of, saying that Julina is a troublemaker. This is nonsense, because 1. Alice has no idea that Julina is sneaking out to meet a boy and 2. It's Ryder that's the troublemaker, all Julina has done is encourage him. Sort of. In any case, she meets Ryder in the Abandoned Barn of Lurve, where they make out and he tells her that his mom is dead (just like her dad), and he loves her and he can't stop thinking about her, and OMFG KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, RYDER, YOU HAVE LITERALLY KNOWN THIS GIRL FOR TWO DAYS. Julina is just as bad with "I love you too, almost total stranger!" but at least she's not initiating this nonsense. He also tells her about how Micah was his BFF, and now he lives in Las Vegas, and his life is great outside this compound, which Ryder knows because Micah sends postcards now and then. Anyway, Luann calls, and Julina flees and rushes home with the groceries.
At home, Luann is comforting Brunette Third Wife about her young son, who has a cold. Apparently Luann's first husband was cool with women being people and not just wives and she went to school at some point and is trained as a nurse. Unlike so many other details in this movie, this will be relevant later. We also learn that Brunette Third Wife is pregnant again, even though her kid is like, two, and she doesn't seem thrilled by this, but this fact is never mentioned again.
In church, Ryder sits directly behind Julina, and tickles her shoulders until she shrieks and causes a fuss. After the service, Luann is like, "WTF is wrong with you?" (although I want to know WTF is wrong with RYDER, what the hell did he think was going to happen?) but Ryder comes to her rescue by saying that got her hair caught in his bible and it must have startled her. At this point the Prophet calls Ryder to him, and Luann is no longer mad at Julina, because clearly she can't be in trouble with the Prophet's son, right?
Eventually the Prophet sends for Julina, and reveals to her, full of glee, that God has said she is to be his wife. In case it isn't obvious by now, when Evil Ervil says 'God' he really means 'my cock'. Julina is SO not ok with this (not least of all because she's in love with his son) but when she says as much to her mother Luann basically tells her that to question the Prophet is to question God and she needs to STFU and start getting fitted for her wedding dress. I'm not sure why Luann is so all right with her daughter getting married at 16, but whatever.
Julina, obviously, runs straight to Ryder and tells him. He is like, "let's you and me get married instead, because I totally love you and then you won't be able to marry my dad." And instead of being at all rational about it, Julina agrees to this, and they sneak off to the Abandoned Barn of Lurve and profess their love for one another and recite wedding vows among the Christmas lights (which are plugged in where, exactly?) and then they are married. I think I strained something rolling my eyes at this point, because HELLO! Just because you exchange vows and agree to be married does not mean that you are! But whatever, they're married now, so then they do the sex. More obvious parallels to Romeo and Juliet are more obvious.
Then the two of them start romantically planning their lives after they run away together, and Ryder says that she would be his only wife, and this is literally the only moment in this entire movie, called Escape from Polygamy, where ANY of the characters show any hint at all that they are even the slightest bit not ok with polygamy. Seriously, no one in this film wants to escape from polygamy, they just want to escape from Evil Ervil. However, their post coital bliss is rudely interrupted by Esther, who apparently followed them (very slowly, I guess, since she just barely got there, and they've been there for hours) who bursts in yelling "SINNERS! SINNING SINNERS WHO SIN! I'M TELLING!!!" And then runs back out. Instead of immediately running after her and like, trying her up or at least trying to convince her to keep her mouth shut, Julina assures Ryder that she won't actually tell anyone (because they are STUPID). Then, instead of just running the fuck away now while they can, or even going back to grab some cash and clothes before leaving, they decide to leave on the six o'clock bus tomorrow, and to sneak back in and act like nothing is amiss until tomorrow night. (REALLY STUPID.)
Somehow, Julina succeeds in sneaking back into her room with no one the wiser, and doesn't bother to try to find Esther until they conveniently run into each other the next day. Esther has just enough time to say she's sorry, but not enough time to say for what, before HER WATER BREAKS BECAUSE SHE IS PREGNANT, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. (I guess being chubby hid her pregnancy?) Then she has just enough time to reveal that the baby's father is Evil Ervil the Prophet (of course it is) and that now when he sees his baby he will love her and take her as his wife instead of Julina. Poor, poor Esther, you misguided fool, I legit feel really bad for you.
Cut to Esther being cared for by Luann, because I guess her out of practice nursing degree is the best medical knowledge they have in this place. Luann says that Esther is going to die if they don't get her to a hospital, and rightly insists that they call an ambulance. Evil Ervil, however, forbids that, says the fate of her and the baby is in God's hands now, and peaces out to leave Luann and Julina alone to deal with the dying teenager on their bed. Luann accepts this as the word of God, even though this probably makes her an accessory to some kind of murder, and keeps trying to save Esther, or at least the baby. Julina tries to tell her mother that she shouldn't listen to Evil Ervil because he is FULL OF CRAP and also KNOCKED UP A TEENAGER, but instead of just yelling, "ERVIL IS THE FATHER!" she keeps trying to lead into it with "Mom, I have to tell you," etc. Luann, for some reason, assumes that Julina is just trying to whine about her impending marriage, and kicks her out.
Luann then sits with Esther, who resumes consciousness just long enough to ask for her mother, who isn't there because she's too ashamed of Esther's unmarried and knocked up state. Luann sweetly pretends to be Esther's mother, and tells her it will be ok (even though it won't) and that she isn't going to die (even though she is). This scene was actually quite well done, surprisingly, although it would have been sweeter for Luann to CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE. Luann does manage to save the baby, even though it is never seen on screen and not mentioned ever again.
Meanwhile, Ryder has been out doing manly things in the horse barn, or something, when his dad comes to give him a ride back to the compound. (Run, Ryder, RUN. I guess Julina was too busy to send him a text about what was going on?) Ryder gets in the truck with him, and Daddy Evil Ervil drives him to the middle of nowhere in the desert, throws him out of the truck, bitches at him for banging Julina, his future wife, and drives off with a parting shot about how his future son with Julina will be the new prophet Ryder could never be. OH SNAP.
Ryder wanders through the desert like a lonely version of Moses, and even though this movie never states where the hell they are, somehow manages to stumble upon Las Vegas. I am not kidding, he follows the road and the railroad tracks, and eventually ends up in Vegas. I have no idea how long this took him, or how he managed not to die of dehydration in the process, but there you have it.
Once in Vegas, after being BLINDED by all the lights and completely overwhelmed by all the drag queens and hookers, Ryder goes to a store to buy food and water with the sad crumpled dollars he digs out of his pocket. At the counter, he sees a postcard like the one Micah sent him, showing the famous Las Vegas sign, and asks the cashier where that is. In the most implausible scene in this whole damn debacle, Ryder finds the sign, goes to the hotel nearest there, knocks on three doors, and finds Micah. I am willing to forgive this though, because MIcah is awesome.
Micah is seriously channeling Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys, and I am ok with that even though the message of him being a lost boy is a bit heavy handed. He has piercings and tattoos and bleached hair and is strongly implied to be on some kind of drugs. He is propositioned by a guy in a bar, and I'm still not sure if that dude wanted drugs, sex, or both from him, but whatever, Micah is COOL. Ryder wants to go back to the compound and save his beloved wife, but Micah doesn't because reasons. He also drops that he didn't actually escape from polygamy as much as he was thrown out of polygamy, and implies that he might like to rejoin.
Speaking of Ryder's beloved wife, Julina is in more trouble than Ryder even knows. (Seriously though, did he not take his phone? And not know her number so he could use Micah's? They don't communicate AT ALL after they consummate their marriage, and I don't know why because they were all about the texting earlier.) Evil Ervil put it out that Ryder was the father of Esther's baby, and that's why he disappeared, and Julina is PISSED. This comes to a head during church, when Evil Ervil is preaching about Esther probably going to hell. Julina has had it with his bullshit, so she gets up and storms out, leaving her bible behind on her chair (SYMBOLICALLY), and goes home to sulk in her room. I think she should have taken the truck right then and there and gotten the hell out, but instead she hangs around long enough to tell her mother that Evil Ervil was the father of Esther's baby, before she is dragged off by two of his henchmen. So now she's imprisoned in a room in Evil Ervil's house, and apparently everyone (except Luann) is all right with this, because no one does a damn thing about it or questions the Prophet's actions.
Well, Luann is not ok with this shit, and she makes a tearful, impassioned plea to her husband to DO SOMETHING about the impending rape of her one and only child. Merril is all, "the word of the Prophet is the word of God, hush up woman," but then Alice, the disapproving first wife, comes and tells Luann a story. Once, she was BFF's with a woman, and that woman grew up to be Ryder's mother, Evil Ervil's wife. And even though Alice told her he was bad news, she stayed with him until he beat her to death, woe. So Alice is not ok with this shit either, and she is going to help Luann save Julina.
At Evil Ervil's House of Rape, Evil Ervil brings Julina dinner and a wedding dress. Instead of kicking him in the nads as soon as he cracks the door open and taking off, she sits and listens to him be creepy, tries ineffectually to force the window open, and then cries over the dress and begins to rip it up.
Back in Las Vegas, Some Guy comes to Ryder and tries to convince him to join his organization, which helps people who have escaped from polygamy join normal society and get on their feet. Micah basically tells Some Guy to go to Hell, puts Ryder in his car, and is all, "let's go save your woman." I don't know what changed his mind, but I like Micah more than anyone else in this movie, so I'm on board with this plan.
What is their plan, exactly? Micah is going to sneak into the compound and extract Julina. That... that's about it. Ryder can't go because he's Polygamy's Most Wanted (and Micah isn't?) but whatever, it's another Obvious Romeo and Juliet parallel, as Ryder is left to fret in the Abandoned Barn of Lurve (and Sorrow) while Micah plays ninja. Micah succeeds in sneaking to Julina's window, but of course she's not there, since she's being held prisoner at Evil Ervil's. He is then captured by some of Evil Ervil's thugs. And you were doing so well, Micah!
At this point, Evil Ervil is in his living room, denying Alice and Luann access to Julina. Luann says, "I will see my daughter," and Evil Ervil caves because...? When they get to the room, however, Antigone Princess Buttercup Julina has hung herself with the ripped up wedding dress. :( Luann cuts her down, and there is wailing and gnashing of teeth while Julina's body is carried out, and Evil Ervil runs off to question/smack around Micah because he somehow knows that his son is around here somewhere, and he needs somebody to take out his anger on.
Micah doesn't tell him anything, but Evil Ervil finds a picture of Ryder on his phone. He instructs his henchmen to take Micah "to the canyon" which can't be anything good. Micah, bless him, fakes a seizure when the two guys are holding him, and books it off into the night when they let go in surprise. I love him because he might actually have a brain. He hides from the thugs in a barn, and after emerging is caught by... Merril? Geeze Merril, it's been so long since you were on screen, I kind of forgot about you. Then again, that was probably the point, since this is the big reveal where Micah is Merril and Alice's son. ANYWAY.
Back in the Abandoned Barn of Lurve and Sorrow, Evil Ervil yells at Ryder for sleeping with his underaged future wife, blames him for Julina's death, and then hits him in the head with a shovel. As Ryder lies bleeding on the ground, Julina runs in! Turns out Julina's suicide attempt was unsuccessful, she was revived by her super nurse mother, and everything after that was a clever ruse to get her away from Evil Ervil. It's awfully damn convenient that her mother managed to burst in in time to save her, and that Julina even considered suicide as an option, and that this all worked out so well... Unless Luann somehow communicated this plan to Julina ahead of time, but if that's the case the movie doesn't say so.
While Julina weeps over Ryder's bleeding body, Evil Ervil raises his shovel again, and is promptly shot by Merril, who has popped up out of nowhere to save the day. This is the part where I legit cheered, because DAMN. Ryder wakes up, Julina cries some more, and then there's a montage showing Merril taking over leadership of the compound, shaking hands with the sheriff, and smiling at Micah, who's sitting in church next to Alice. (Micah totally just wanted to come back so he could get laid, btw). At the very end, Julina tells her mother that she just doesn't believe anymore, and leaves with Ryder and Some Guy to start a new life outside polygamy.
THE END
P.S. This is SO LONG, even though I left out a bunch of stuff. Sorry!!!
Answer to last Monday's song: Mirror, by Justin Timberlake. No one guessed this, which surprises me.
Guys, this is LONG, seriously, and I apologize. Also, trigger warnings for mentions of rape, suicide, and spousal abuse.
Ready? Then it's time to
The movie opens with a woman (Luann) and her 16-17 year old daughter (Julina) waiting by the side of the road for someone to pick them up. They are both wearing polygamy dresses and hairstyles (don't pretend you don't know exactly what I'm talking about with that, because you totally, totally do) but Julina also has a cowboy hat and Converse on because she is a 'free spirit,' although she won't cross the line to full on rebel for at least an hour.
The two are picked up by a tall thin old white guy, who imdb tells me is named Merril, but I can't recall anyone ever saying his name on screen. Merril is to be Luann's new husband, because her first husband has died and the Prophet decreed that she had to move into this cult compound and marry Merril now as his fourth wife. Despite the movie's title, neither Luann nor Julina really has a problem with this, except for the obvious problems that any sane person would have about losing a father/husband and moving to a completely new place full of strangers.
At the house we meet Merril's other three wives: Alice, the first wife, Blondie McUnimportant, the second wife, and Brunette Postpartum the third wife, who bursts into tears for no apparent reason on Luann's first night there. Blondie explains that Brunette's upset about no longer being the newest wife, but her issues are never mentioned again and have no bearing on the plot. This movie is so full of unused Checkov's Guns that I'm surprised Checkov himself didn't arise from his grave to bitch slap the filmmakers.
Anyway, while Luann is getting herself ready to get married the next day, Julina follows one of her new stepbrothers toward the sound of a ruckus. This is caused by a big-ass pick up truck driving through the compound, followed by approximately 270 children, all yelling "DADDY!" Julina and her stepbrother (who they make a point of showing Julina bond with, but you never see him again after this scene) join the gaggle and chase after the truck too. A man who I can immediately tell is skeezy because they hired this actor to play him gets out of the truck and gives his 300 children a single bicycle to play with. They are thrilled with this and run off to... I don't know what, exactly. Probably break it when more than one of them tries to get on it at once. This dude is the Prophet, he who hears the word of God and passes it on to his polygamous followers. He has returned from Elsewhere to perform the marriage of Luann and Merril, and Julina is a little starstruck by him.
Later, overwhelmed by all the wedding preparations, Julina wanders into the desert (because all polygamists live in the desert, obviously) and finds a boy staring up at the sky and writing angsty love poems in his journal or something. They have a SUPER AWKWARD conversation about how him lounging around with his shirt unbuttoned is a sin (even though he was totally alone until she showed up uninvited), and then about how her being alone with him is a sin, and EVERYTHING IS A SIN, OK? but you can tell that they don't really care. He is SO PRETTY and she is SO PRETTY and they are going to be pretty together forever. Julina says the earth was only created 6000 years ago, and he starts to say, "yeah, about that..." so you know that he is not a True Believer and is just going to be trouble for her, all trouble, all the time. (I don't know how many of you are familiar with Spring Awakening, but he is TOTALLY Melchior, seducing innocent schoolgirls with science and logic.) Something calls Julina away, and she doesn't see mystery boy again until the wedding.
At some point in here, Julina tells her chubby new friend Esther (on the right, in the HIDEOUS dress) about this cute boy she met who is questioning The Man, and Esther is like, "ooh gurl, you better not get mixed up with him, he's probably an apostate like that no good Micah who left us because he didn't believe in God and questioned the Prophet and was into hair dye and piercings and rock music." Julina, of course, takes no notice of this, because Esther's eyes glaze over with reverence whenever she talks about the Prophet, and besides PRETTY.
At the wedding there is dancing, and Julina and Ryder (his name is Ryder, by the way, because OF COURSE IT IS) are dancing with each other and suddenly everyone else at the wedding disappears and it's just the two of them and they laugh and spin and everything is flowers and lights and twinkly magic... And then it cuts back to reality, and they are just staring at each other across the dance floor, and I'm not sure if they even danced with each other at all.
That night, Merril comes to Luann and Julina's bedroom, looking like the creepy old man in a horror movie, to get Luann to do the sex, and it is AWKWARD AS FUCK. But Luann's implied reluctance to be married to this semi-creepy old guy is never mentioned again. Her absence, however, gives Ryder ample opportunity to sneak into Julina's bedroom (all of which we are again reminded is A SIN) and chat her up. The obvious Romeo and Juliet parallels are obvious. The conversation ends with him telling her to meet him tomorrow, and if she doesn't promise to do so, he threatens to scream and wake up the whole house. Since I'm pretty sure that would bring far more trouble to him than to Julina, "OMFG he totally broke into my room! Which is why I screamed!" she instead promises to meet him. I think the filmmakers think this is cute and romantic, but it feels more like stalker blackmail to me. Whatever, they're dumb teenagers, and if she resists too much the plot will never advance.
The next day the Prophet (whose name is Ervil, I shit you not) says that God came to him in a dream and revealed that Ryder (who is the Prophet's son, because OF COURSE HE IS) is destined to be the next prophet, and Ryder is... less than enthused by this development. This scene also shows Evil Ervil paying off the local sheriff, a development that is never mentioned again and doesn't seem to have any bearing on the plot whatsoever, except to maybe explain how Evil Ervil gets away with all the shit he pulls.
We are treated to a montage of Ryder and Julina doing cult compound chores like gardening and laundry and feeding the horses, all while they text back and forth to each other. The juxtaposition of their old fashioned clothing, chores from the 1800's, and cell phones is hilarious. It's made even more so because Julina has a flip phone, even though this movie was made in 2013. I guess polygamists don't believe in touch screens.
Later, Julina takes the truck into town to 'get groceries,' something that Alice First Wife disapproves of, saying that Julina is a troublemaker. This is nonsense, because 1. Alice has no idea that Julina is sneaking out to meet a boy and 2. It's Ryder that's the troublemaker, all Julina has done is encourage him. Sort of. In any case, she meets Ryder in the Abandoned Barn of Lurve, where they make out and he tells her that his mom is dead (just like her dad), and he loves her and he can't stop thinking about her, and OMFG KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, RYDER, YOU HAVE LITERALLY KNOWN THIS GIRL FOR TWO DAYS. Julina is just as bad with "I love you too, almost total stranger!" but at least she's not initiating this nonsense. He also tells her about how Micah was his BFF, and now he lives in Las Vegas, and his life is great outside this compound, which Ryder knows because Micah sends postcards now and then. Anyway, Luann calls, and Julina flees and rushes home with the groceries.
At home, Luann is comforting Brunette Third Wife about her young son, who has a cold. Apparently Luann's first husband was cool with women being people and not just wives and she went to school at some point and is trained as a nurse. Unlike so many other details in this movie, this will be relevant later. We also learn that Brunette Third Wife is pregnant again, even though her kid is like, two, and she doesn't seem thrilled by this, but this fact is never mentioned again.
In church, Ryder sits directly behind Julina, and tickles her shoulders until she shrieks and causes a fuss. After the service, Luann is like, "WTF is wrong with you?" (although I want to know WTF is wrong with RYDER, what the hell did he think was going to happen?) but Ryder comes to her rescue by saying that got her hair caught in his bible and it must have startled her. At this point the Prophet calls Ryder to him, and Luann is no longer mad at Julina, because clearly she can't be in trouble with the Prophet's son, right?
Eventually the Prophet sends for Julina, and reveals to her, full of glee, that God has said she is to be his wife. In case it isn't obvious by now, when Evil Ervil says 'God' he really means 'my cock'. Julina is SO not ok with this (not least of all because she's in love with his son) but when she says as much to her mother Luann basically tells her that to question the Prophet is to question God and she needs to STFU and start getting fitted for her wedding dress. I'm not sure why Luann is so all right with her daughter getting married at 16, but whatever.
Julina, obviously, runs straight to Ryder and tells him. He is like, "let's you and me get married instead, because I totally love you and then you won't be able to marry my dad." And instead of being at all rational about it, Julina agrees to this, and they sneak off to the Abandoned Barn of Lurve and profess their love for one another and recite wedding vows among the Christmas lights (which are plugged in where, exactly?) and then they are married. I think I strained something rolling my eyes at this point, because HELLO! Just because you exchange vows and agree to be married does not mean that you are! But whatever, they're married now, so then they do the sex. More obvious parallels to Romeo and Juliet are more obvious.
Then the two of them start romantically planning their lives after they run away together, and Ryder says that she would be his only wife, and this is literally the only moment in this entire movie, called Escape from Polygamy, where ANY of the characters show any hint at all that they are even the slightest bit not ok with polygamy. Seriously, no one in this film wants to escape from polygamy, they just want to escape from Evil Ervil. However, their post coital bliss is rudely interrupted by Esther, who apparently followed them (very slowly, I guess, since she just barely got there, and they've been there for hours) who bursts in yelling "SINNERS! SINNING SINNERS WHO SIN! I'M TELLING!!!" And then runs back out. Instead of immediately running after her and like, trying her up or at least trying to convince her to keep her mouth shut, Julina assures Ryder that she won't actually tell anyone (because they are STUPID). Then, instead of just running the fuck away now while they can, or even going back to grab some cash and clothes before leaving, they decide to leave on the six o'clock bus tomorrow, and to sneak back in and act like nothing is amiss until tomorrow night. (REALLY STUPID.)
Somehow, Julina succeeds in sneaking back into her room with no one the wiser, and doesn't bother to try to find Esther until they conveniently run into each other the next day. Esther has just enough time to say she's sorry, but not enough time to say for what, before HER WATER BREAKS BECAUSE SHE IS PREGNANT, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. (I guess being chubby hid her pregnancy?) Then she has just enough time to reveal that the baby's father is Evil Ervil the Prophet (of course it is) and that now when he sees his baby he will love her and take her as his wife instead of Julina. Poor, poor Esther, you misguided fool, I legit feel really bad for you.
Cut to Esther being cared for by Luann, because I guess her out of practice nursing degree is the best medical knowledge they have in this place. Luann says that Esther is going to die if they don't get her to a hospital, and rightly insists that they call an ambulance. Evil Ervil, however, forbids that, says the fate of her and the baby is in God's hands now, and peaces out to leave Luann and Julina alone to deal with the dying teenager on their bed. Luann accepts this as the word of God, even though this probably makes her an accessory to some kind of murder, and keeps trying to save Esther, or at least the baby. Julina tries to tell her mother that she shouldn't listen to Evil Ervil because he is FULL OF CRAP and also KNOCKED UP A TEENAGER, but instead of just yelling, "ERVIL IS THE FATHER!" she keeps trying to lead into it with "Mom, I have to tell you," etc. Luann, for some reason, assumes that Julina is just trying to whine about her impending marriage, and kicks her out.
Luann then sits with Esther, who resumes consciousness just long enough to ask for her mother, who isn't there because she's too ashamed of Esther's unmarried and knocked up state. Luann sweetly pretends to be Esther's mother, and tells her it will be ok (even though it won't) and that she isn't going to die (even though she is). This scene was actually quite well done, surprisingly, although it would have been sweeter for Luann to CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE. Luann does manage to save the baby, even though it is never seen on screen and not mentioned ever again.
Meanwhile, Ryder has been out doing manly things in the horse barn, or something, when his dad comes to give him a ride back to the compound. (Run, Ryder, RUN. I guess Julina was too busy to send him a text about what was going on?) Ryder gets in the truck with him, and Daddy Evil Ervil drives him to the middle of nowhere in the desert, throws him out of the truck, bitches at him for banging Julina, his future wife, and drives off with a parting shot about how his future son with Julina will be the new prophet Ryder could never be. OH SNAP.
Ryder wanders through the desert like a lonely version of Moses, and even though this movie never states where the hell they are, somehow manages to stumble upon Las Vegas. I am not kidding, he follows the road and the railroad tracks, and eventually ends up in Vegas. I have no idea how long this took him, or how he managed not to die of dehydration in the process, but there you have it.
Once in Vegas, after being BLINDED by all the lights and completely overwhelmed by all the drag queens and hookers, Ryder goes to a store to buy food and water with the sad crumpled dollars he digs out of his pocket. At the counter, he sees a postcard like the one Micah sent him, showing the famous Las Vegas sign, and asks the cashier where that is. In the most implausible scene in this whole damn debacle, Ryder finds the sign, goes to the hotel nearest there, knocks on three doors, and finds Micah. I am willing to forgive this though, because MIcah is awesome.
Micah is seriously channeling Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys, and I am ok with that even though the message of him being a lost boy is a bit heavy handed. He has piercings and tattoos and bleached hair and is strongly implied to be on some kind of drugs. He is propositioned by a guy in a bar, and I'm still not sure if that dude wanted drugs, sex, or both from him, but whatever, Micah is COOL. Ryder wants to go back to the compound and save his beloved wife, but Micah doesn't because reasons. He also drops that he didn't actually escape from polygamy as much as he was thrown out of polygamy, and implies that he might like to rejoin.
Speaking of Ryder's beloved wife, Julina is in more trouble than Ryder even knows. (Seriously though, did he not take his phone? And not know her number so he could use Micah's? They don't communicate AT ALL after they consummate their marriage, and I don't know why because they were all about the texting earlier.) Evil Ervil put it out that Ryder was the father of Esther's baby, and that's why he disappeared, and Julina is PISSED. This comes to a head during church, when Evil Ervil is preaching about Esther probably going to hell. Julina has had it with his bullshit, so she gets up and storms out, leaving her bible behind on her chair (SYMBOLICALLY), and goes home to sulk in her room. I think she should have taken the truck right then and there and gotten the hell out, but instead she hangs around long enough to tell her mother that Evil Ervil was the father of Esther's baby, before she is dragged off by two of his henchmen. So now she's imprisoned in a room in Evil Ervil's house, and apparently everyone (except Luann) is all right with this, because no one does a damn thing about it or questions the Prophet's actions.
Well, Luann is not ok with this shit, and she makes a tearful, impassioned plea to her husband to DO SOMETHING about the impending rape of her one and only child. Merril is all, "the word of the Prophet is the word of God, hush up woman," but then Alice, the disapproving first wife, comes and tells Luann a story. Once, she was BFF's with a woman, and that woman grew up to be Ryder's mother, Evil Ervil's wife. And even though Alice told her he was bad news, she stayed with him until he beat her to death, woe. So Alice is not ok with this shit either, and she is going to help Luann save Julina.
At Evil Ervil's House of Rape, Evil Ervil brings Julina dinner and a wedding dress. Instead of kicking him in the nads as soon as he cracks the door open and taking off, she sits and listens to him be creepy, tries ineffectually to force the window open, and then cries over the dress and begins to rip it up.
Back in Las Vegas, Some Guy comes to Ryder and tries to convince him to join his organization, which helps people who have escaped from polygamy join normal society and get on their feet. Micah basically tells Some Guy to go to Hell, puts Ryder in his car, and is all, "let's go save your woman." I don't know what changed his mind, but I like Micah more than anyone else in this movie, so I'm on board with this plan.
What is their plan, exactly? Micah is going to sneak into the compound and extract Julina. That... that's about it. Ryder can't go because he's Polygamy's Most Wanted (and Micah isn't?) but whatever, it's another Obvious Romeo and Juliet parallel, as Ryder is left to fret in the Abandoned Barn of Lurve (and Sorrow) while Micah plays ninja. Micah succeeds in sneaking to Julina's window, but of course she's not there, since she's being held prisoner at Evil Ervil's. He is then captured by some of Evil Ervil's thugs. And you were doing so well, Micah!
At this point, Evil Ervil is in his living room, denying Alice and Luann access to Julina. Luann says, "I will see my daughter," and Evil Ervil caves because...? When they get to the room, however,
Micah doesn't tell him anything, but Evil Ervil finds a picture of Ryder on his phone. He instructs his henchmen to take Micah "to the canyon" which can't be anything good. Micah, bless him, fakes a seizure when the two guys are holding him, and books it off into the night when they let go in surprise. I love him because he might actually have a brain. He hides from the thugs in a barn, and after emerging is caught by... Merril? Geeze Merril, it's been so long since you were on screen, I kind of forgot about you. Then again, that was probably the point, since this is the big reveal where Micah is Merril and Alice's son. ANYWAY.
Back in the Abandoned Barn of Lurve and Sorrow, Evil Ervil yells at Ryder for sleeping with his underaged future wife, blames him for Julina's death, and then hits him in the head with a shovel. As Ryder lies bleeding on the ground, Julina runs in! Turns out Julina's suicide attempt was unsuccessful, she was revived by her super nurse mother, and everything after that was a clever ruse to get her away from Evil Ervil. It's awfully damn convenient that her mother managed to burst in in time to save her, and that Julina even considered suicide as an option, and that this all worked out so well... Unless Luann somehow communicated this plan to Julina ahead of time, but if that's the case the movie doesn't say so.
While Julina weeps over Ryder's bleeding body, Evil Ervil raises his shovel again, and is promptly shot by Merril, who has popped up out of nowhere to save the day. This is the part where I legit cheered, because DAMN. Ryder wakes up, Julina cries some more, and then there's a montage showing Merril taking over leadership of the compound, shaking hands with the sheriff, and smiling at Micah, who's sitting in church next to Alice. (Micah totally just wanted to come back so he could get laid, btw). At the very end, Julina tells her mother that she just doesn't believe anymore, and leaves with Ryder and Some Guy to start a new life outside polygamy.
THE END
P.S. This is SO LONG, even though I left out a bunch of stuff. Sorry!!!
Answer to last Monday's song: Mirror, by Justin Timberlake. No one guessed this, which surprises me.
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no subject
Date: 2013-08-27 11:33 am (UTC)I really want to see this movie now.
no subject
Date: 2013-08-27 02:18 pm (UTC)I actually omitted a few of the 'guns' because this was SO LONG and they had zero to do with the plot.
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Date: 2013-08-27 05:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-08-27 06:53 pm (UTC)