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leia131All right, so it's been a while since I saw The Hobbit: The Desolation of Sherlock Cumberbatch, but we were having a semi-snow day at work when I wrote this and I am BORED. So I'm going to try to catch up on all the posts I've been meaning to write but haven't quite gotten to yet (this one, a Jaws book review, and my next MH review).
Anyway, let's start with the set-up, because my mood going into this movie surely affected my perception of it.
Andrew loved the first Hobbit movie, I thought it was all right, and I like the LotR movies, so I was willing to see this one. I was less thrilled to go to the midnight showing, because it was a Thursday and I had to work the next day, but all of Andrew's classmates were going to that show, and one of them offered us a ride, so I was game. Then when we got to the theater, it turned out that all his classmates had sprung for the extra-expensive 3D IMAX version of the movie. Since only Andrew and I were going to the regular-D regular-MAX movie, because paying an extra $15 just didn't seem worth it, I was annoyed. If we weren't going to be in the theater with the rest of them, we could have just gone by ourselves at a normal hour. (I guess I have a tradition of watching LotR movies at odd hours though...) ANYWAY, that was off putting.
Then, I tried to go to the bathroom before the movie started, because I knew it was going to be long. The first bathroom I tried was locked, even though it wasn't a one person one. So I had to go all the way to the other end of the theater, which was all right I guess, but that's where I met Strange Lady. I was just innocently washing my hands next to her, and this happened:
SL: I realize this is a strange conversation to strike up in a bathroom, but did you hear about that woman who got stuck to a toilet seat?
Me: No?
SL: Yeah it was in like, Kentucky.
Me: *picturing someone wedged in a toilet somehow* Ok?
SL: Yeah, I guess someone put superglue on the seat, and the fire department had to come get her off, and it ripped all her skin off in the process.
Me: *I literally do not know how to react to this conversation* Oh no!
SL: Yeah, so just be careful if you sit down in public restrooms. *leaves*
Me: Why did you tell me this? And after I had already peed? Was she like, going on a public service campaign to make people aware?
I just stood there for a few seconds, wondering what the hell was going on, and then I went to watch The Hobbit. So, that should give you a little idea about the frame of mind I was in.
Now, on to the review! I wrote most of this the day after I saw it when it was fresh in my mind, so this is a bit scattered and not very cohesive, as all my movie reviews tend to be.
-They surely had millions of dollars in their special effects budget, and yet they had the fakest elf and hobbit ears I've ever seen. SO DISTRACTING.
-Then again, maybe they spent all their special effects money on Smaug, which was definitely money well spent. The way his chest lit up before he breathed fire? UNF. He was the best part of the whole movie, even if I am kind of less on his side than I was previously. I mean, I'll still be sad when he gets killed, but a little bit less so since he's all marauding and killing innocent people now. He's still the coolest Motherfucker in the whole movie, however.
-While watching this movie, I remembered why I hated The Hobbit when I first read it: It's just a never-ending cycle of "the dwarves are captured, the dwarves escape, the dwarves get captured again". Like seriously, they've been captured by trolls, elves, spiders, humans, and (briefly) the dragon. The only things that haven't captured them are the orcs. No one else in all of Middle-Earth seems to like them, and at some point you have to wonder if maybe it's them.
-Which brings me to reason two I think I wanted the dragon to eat them all while I was reading the book: Most of the dwarves, Thorin especially, are HUGE ASSHOLES. I really hate Thorin, and I don't want him to get his kingdom back, because he would be a shitty king. He has no guile, no sympathy, and serious trust issues. He's not a good planner, he's not even that great in battle, or, obviously, escaping from things. He is just a massive douchcanoe, and that is why I still hope he, at least, gets eaten.
-The rest of the dwarves are also stupid. I told Andrew, and I stand by this, that everyone in this entire movie is a MORON. Bilbo did the one thing they told him not to do and woke the dragon up in like, 10 seconds flat (though he's probably the least-moronic of them all), Thorin totally should have lied to the Elf King and accepted his offer (he was going to let you go, and had no way to enforce that deal, Thorin, you IDIOT), Gandalf went into that trap, knowingly, alone, with very little plan for no apparent reason, no one thought to make any more black arrows in all this time, even though they knew the dragon was still alive... WHY ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID? I have to hope that it all makes more sense in the book, right? I mean, even Smaug was a little bit stupid not to just eat Bilbo on sight (not that I want Bilbo to get eaten).
-Thank God Bilbo didn't get eaten, or otherwise hurt, because then he wouldn't have been there to save the dwarves asses every five minutes, even though they're ridiculously ungrateful. I'd have left them all long ago.
-The final reason I think I hated The Hobbit (the book) so much? There are no women in it. The only woman with real lines in this movie (disregarding extras, one brief shot of Galadriel, and Bard's daughters) was made up by Peter Jackson. And I was actually really digging her character for a while... Until she got shoved into 'love interest' and 'the empathetic one' and 'healer'. It's just so cliche, and I liked her so much as the captain of the guard. Are there no better roles for women than lovers and healers? Why are there no female dwarves in this party? Or even orcs? If Smaug was a girl dragon, would that have changed the plot? (I realize I should take this up with JRR Tolkein, but all I'm trying to do is explain why this particular book did not and movie does not especially appeal to me).
-Speaking of the underrepresented, why is everyone white? We're talking mythical creatures here, and yet they're all white. Well, some of the orcs may not be, but who could tell? You couldn't cast a single black/Asian/Hispanic person in all those dwarves?
-Anyway, I did not hate this movie, though it sure seems like I did. It didn't draw me in as much as the first one, but I enjoyed it for the most part. I just think there are some deeper issues with it that no one is addressing. And I actually really liked Bard, who 100% looks like Will Turner. When he first showed up I thought he was a Ranger, and since he's totally the Aragorn parallel in this story (human, descended from a great man who fucked up, etc.) I'm not completely wrong.
-Legolas' dad (who is LEE PACE, HOLY CRAP I THOUGHT HE LOOKED FAMILIAR UNDER ALL THAT BLONDE) has literally taken the crown from Legolas as The Gayest Gay Elf Who Ever Nanced Down the Pike. That being said, he was one of the few characters in this movie that I genuinely enjoyed watching. And he also disapproves of stupidity:
-I'm assuming that it being the midnight showing is why when someone (Gandalf? Maybe?) said for them to summon the seven dwarf armies or whatever, I burst into slightly hysterical laughter at the thought of Smaug and the Seven Dwarfs. There was more uncontrollable laughter when they were talking about Kingsfoil being a weed, but that was mostly because SAM.
-The movie needed about 30% more explaining why people were doing what they were doing (Thorin suddenly going in after Bilbo, Bard getting randomly arrested, the Elf King bitching at Tauriel about Legolas out of the blue) and 30% less pointless orc chases where you know no one is going to get killed, because they haven't even gotten to the mountain yet. And 1000% more Galadriel.
-It was also full of plot holes, at least for me, though I can't remember most of them now. One that bugged me was: they had to go through Mirkwood, because that was the fastest way and they had to get there by whatever certain day. Ok, I get that. But then, Galdalf is like, "I'm going to ride off elsewhere, do some stuff, and yet still meet you at the overlook place, and you have to wait for me to go through the door, so clearly I'm going to be there in time just like you." Like, Dude, if that's true, then there must be another way they can go to get there in time besides through the spider elf forest (where Bilbo repeatedly STRUMMED ON THE SPIDER WEB, BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE IS A MORON). Andrew said it's because one person can travel faster than 13, but even so. They could have avoided like, three capture cycles if they'd followed Gandalf, which surely took up time. (I remember being annoyed at Gandalf leaving them when I read the book too. I was like, "You fucking started this, where the hell are you going?!")
-Besides, Gandalf is like, the worst wizard ever. The only spell he knows is lumos.
-Let's end on a high note though. I liked Bilbo, especially when he was trying to sweet-talk Smaug, and I love how awkward he is most of the time. I did like Tauriel's character overall, even the empathetic parts; I just hope she gets to be more than the healer and the love interest. And I hope she ends up with the dwarf, because there's only heartbreak for her with Legolas; he's going to end up with a dwarf too. I kind of liked the barrel scene, that was pretty epic. And of course, there was Smaug, king of BADASS:
and Thranduil, king of BITCHFACE.
Answer to last Thursday's song: Sweet Home Alabama, by Lynyrd Skynyrd.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
becofoz got this one right!
Anyway, let's start with the set-up, because my mood going into this movie surely affected my perception of it.
Andrew loved the first Hobbit movie, I thought it was all right, and I like the LotR movies, so I was willing to see this one. I was less thrilled to go to the midnight showing, because it was a Thursday and I had to work the next day, but all of Andrew's classmates were going to that show, and one of them offered us a ride, so I was game. Then when we got to the theater, it turned out that all his classmates had sprung for the extra-expensive 3D IMAX version of the movie. Since only Andrew and I were going to the regular-D regular-MAX movie, because paying an extra $15 just didn't seem worth it, I was annoyed. If we weren't going to be in the theater with the rest of them, we could have just gone by ourselves at a normal hour. (I guess I have a tradition of watching LotR movies at odd hours though...) ANYWAY, that was off putting.
Then, I tried to go to the bathroom before the movie started, because I knew it was going to be long. The first bathroom I tried was locked, even though it wasn't a one person one. So I had to go all the way to the other end of the theater, which was all right I guess, but that's where I met Strange Lady. I was just innocently washing my hands next to her, and this happened:
SL: I realize this is a strange conversation to strike up in a bathroom, but did you hear about that woman who got stuck to a toilet seat?
Me: No?
SL: Yeah it was in like, Kentucky.
Me: *picturing someone wedged in a toilet somehow* Ok?
SL: Yeah, I guess someone put superglue on the seat, and the fire department had to come get her off, and it ripped all her skin off in the process.
Me: *I literally do not know how to react to this conversation* Oh no!
SL: Yeah, so just be careful if you sit down in public restrooms. *leaves*
Me: Why did you tell me this? And after I had already peed? Was she like, going on a public service campaign to make people aware?
I just stood there for a few seconds, wondering what the hell was going on, and then I went to watch The Hobbit. So, that should give you a little idea about the frame of mind I was in.
Now, on to the review! I wrote most of this the day after I saw it when it was fresh in my mind, so this is a bit scattered and not very cohesive, as all my movie reviews tend to be.
-They surely had millions of dollars in their special effects budget, and yet they had the fakest elf and hobbit ears I've ever seen. SO DISTRACTING.
-Then again, maybe they spent all their special effects money on Smaug, which was definitely money well spent. The way his chest lit up before he breathed fire? UNF. He was the best part of the whole movie, even if I am kind of less on his side than I was previously. I mean, I'll still be sad when he gets killed, but a little bit less so since he's all marauding and killing innocent people now. He's still the coolest Motherfucker in the whole movie, however.
-While watching this movie, I remembered why I hated The Hobbit when I first read it: It's just a never-ending cycle of "the dwarves are captured, the dwarves escape, the dwarves get captured again". Like seriously, they've been captured by trolls, elves, spiders, humans, and (briefly) the dragon. The only things that haven't captured them are the orcs. No one else in all of Middle-Earth seems to like them, and at some point you have to wonder if maybe it's them.
-Which brings me to reason two I think I wanted the dragon to eat them all while I was reading the book: Most of the dwarves, Thorin especially, are HUGE ASSHOLES. I really hate Thorin, and I don't want him to get his kingdom back, because he would be a shitty king. He has no guile, no sympathy, and serious trust issues. He's not a good planner, he's not even that great in battle, or, obviously, escaping from things. He is just a massive douchcanoe, and that is why I still hope he, at least, gets eaten.
-The rest of the dwarves are also stupid. I told Andrew, and I stand by this, that everyone in this entire movie is a MORON. Bilbo did the one thing they told him not to do and woke the dragon up in like, 10 seconds flat (though he's probably the least-moronic of them all), Thorin totally should have lied to the Elf King and accepted his offer (he was going to let you go, and had no way to enforce that deal, Thorin, you IDIOT), Gandalf went into that trap, knowingly, alone, with very little plan for no apparent reason, no one thought to make any more black arrows in all this time, even though they knew the dragon was still alive... WHY ARE YOU ALL SO STUPID? I have to hope that it all makes more sense in the book, right? I mean, even Smaug was a little bit stupid not to just eat Bilbo on sight (not that I want Bilbo to get eaten).
-Thank God Bilbo didn't get eaten, or otherwise hurt, because then he wouldn't have been there to save the dwarves asses every five minutes, even though they're ridiculously ungrateful. I'd have left them all long ago.
-The final reason I think I hated The Hobbit (the book) so much? There are no women in it. The only woman with real lines in this movie (disregarding extras, one brief shot of Galadriel, and Bard's daughters) was made up by Peter Jackson. And I was actually really digging her character for a while... Until she got shoved into 'love interest' and 'the empathetic one' and 'healer'. It's just so cliche, and I liked her so much as the captain of the guard. Are there no better roles for women than lovers and healers? Why are there no female dwarves in this party? Or even orcs? If Smaug was a girl dragon, would that have changed the plot? (I realize I should take this up with JRR Tolkein, but all I'm trying to do is explain why this particular book did not and movie does not especially appeal to me).
-Speaking of the underrepresented, why is everyone white? We're talking mythical creatures here, and yet they're all white. Well, some of the orcs may not be, but who could tell? You couldn't cast a single black/Asian/Hispanic person in all those dwarves?
-Anyway, I did not hate this movie, though it sure seems like I did. It didn't draw me in as much as the first one, but I enjoyed it for the most part. I just think there are some deeper issues with it that no one is addressing. And I actually really liked Bard, who 100% looks like Will Turner. When he first showed up I thought he was a Ranger, and since he's totally the Aragorn parallel in this story (human, descended from a great man who fucked up, etc.) I'm not completely wrong.
-Legolas' dad (who is LEE PACE, HOLY CRAP I THOUGHT HE LOOKED FAMILIAR UNDER ALL THAT BLONDE) has literally taken the crown from Legolas as The Gayest Gay Elf Who Ever Nanced Down the Pike. That being said, he was one of the few characters in this movie that I genuinely enjoyed watching. And he also disapproves of stupidity:
If they wanted to make a spinoff movie completely about elves, especially the Legolas family, I would be 1000% behind that.
-I'm assuming that it being the midnight showing is why when someone (Gandalf? Maybe?) said for them to summon the seven dwarf armies or whatever, I burst into slightly hysterical laughter at the thought of Smaug and the Seven Dwarfs. There was more uncontrollable laughter when they were talking about Kingsfoil being a weed, but that was mostly because SAM.
-The movie needed about 30% more explaining why people were doing what they were doing (Thorin suddenly going in after Bilbo, Bard getting randomly arrested, the Elf King bitching at Tauriel about Legolas out of the blue) and 30% less pointless orc chases where you know no one is going to get killed, because they haven't even gotten to the mountain yet. And 1000% more Galadriel.
-It was also full of plot holes, at least for me, though I can't remember most of them now. One that bugged me was: they had to go through Mirkwood, because that was the fastest way and they had to get there by whatever certain day. Ok, I get that. But then, Galdalf is like, "I'm going to ride off elsewhere, do some stuff, and yet still meet you at the overlook place, and you have to wait for me to go through the door, so clearly I'm going to be there in time just like you." Like, Dude, if that's true, then there must be another way they can go to get there in time besides through the spider elf forest (where Bilbo repeatedly STRUMMED ON THE SPIDER WEB, BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE IS A MORON). Andrew said it's because one person can travel faster than 13, but even so. They could have avoided like, three capture cycles if they'd followed Gandalf, which surely took up time. (I remember being annoyed at Gandalf leaving them when I read the book too. I was like, "You fucking started this, where the hell are you going?!")
-Besides, Gandalf is like, the worst wizard ever. The only spell he knows is lumos.
-Let's end on a high note though. I liked Bilbo, especially when he was trying to sweet-talk Smaug, and I love how awkward he is most of the time. I did like Tauriel's character overall, even the empathetic parts; I just hope she gets to be more than the healer and the love interest. And I hope she ends up with the dwarf, because there's only heartbreak for her with Legolas; he's going to end up with a dwarf too. I kind of liked the barrel scene, that was pretty epic. And of course, there was Smaug, king of BADASS:
and Thranduil, king of BITCHFACE.
Answer to last Thursday's song: Sweet Home Alabama, by Lynyrd Skynyrd.
becofoz got this one right!
