Lies and falsehoods, Padfoot!

So, Andrew and I are currently slogging through The Lost Symbol. It is a terrible book for a multitude of reasons (the main one being that Dan Brown desperately DESPERATELY needs an editor), but I just have to share this quote with you all, because OMG. Before you ask, the entire book is like this, where Brown writes things that he clearly thinks are clever or scary or suspenseful or whatever, and they are usually the exact opposite of what he's going for.

To set the scene: The villain in this book is a dude who has tattooed every inch of his skin. The characters all react to this like it makes him some kind of monster/animal, just by virtue of the fact that he's covered in tattoos, which is probably offensive to tattooed people and tattoo artists, but Brown doesn't care. Anyway, said villain has just laid a SUPER OBVIOUS trap that the characters walked right into, because everyone in this book is unbearably stupid, and this is from the point of view of the 'heroine' who he's captured.

"With the exception of a small circle on top of his head, every inch of his body appeared to be decorated. A massive double-headed phoenix on his chest glared at her through nipple eyes like some kind of ravenous vulture, patiently waiting for her death." Glared at her through nipple eyes. NIPPLE EYES. Is there any universe in which that is frightening, and not hilarious? Andrew and I both burst out laughing, breaking whatever miniscule tension Brown had managed to create. How can nipples glare? How is a phoenix with a nipple for an eye anything but ridiculous? Why are we still reading this book?


Bonus: Here's my favorite line from the book though: " 'Google' is not a synonym for 'research'.” Yes, well, you clearly didn't do either when writing this book, so. I see through your transparent attempt to dissuade readers from calling you on your complete, utter, bullshit, Dan.

This post should be a review of last night's Face Off, but it's not because I haven't seen that episode yet. Our satellite was being wonky (which NEVER happened in NC, and happens all the damn time up here in MA) so we DVRed a later showing of it, which hopefully is there for me to watch tonight. So, you know, look for that post tomorrow.

In the meantime, Andrew and I finished The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern last night, so please enjoy my brief review of it.

( Spoilers Under Here )

Updated 7/26/16

• Career of Evil - Robert Galbraith


• The Table of Less Valued Knights - Marie Phillips


• The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists - Gideon Defoe


• Sleepy Hollow - Dax Varley


• Yes!: My Improbable Journey to the Main Event of WrestleMania - Daniel Bryan


• Golden - Cameron Dokey


• Wildwood Dancing - Juliet Marillier


• Raging Heat - Richard Castle


• Where the Heart Is - Billie Letts


• 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea - Jules Verne


• The Fourth Bear - Jasper Fforde


• Cinder - Marissa Meyer


• The Girl Who Played With Fire - Stieg Larsson


• While Beauty Slept - Elizabeth Blackwell


• A Midsummer Tights Dream - Louise Rennison


• The Cat Who Sniffed Glue - Lillian Jackson Braun


• Good Omens (re-read) - Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett


• Little Women (re-read for me, new for Andrew) - Louisa May Alcott


• The Hobbit (re-read) - JRR Tolkien


• To Kill A Mockingbird (re-read for me, new for Andrew) - Harper Lee


• The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks - Rebecca Skloot apparently Andrew isn't into non-fiction


• Water for Elephants - Sara Gruen Couldn't bring myself to read this, going to 'shelve' it for a while


• Jaws - Peter Benchley read, January 2014


• The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson read, February 2014


• Around the World in 80 Days - Jules Verne read, March 2014


• Deadly Heat - Richard Castle read, June 2014


• Withering Tights - Louise Rennison read, June 2014


• The Night Circus - Erin Morgenstern read, July 2014


• Angels & Demons - Dan Brown read, August 2014


• The Glass Demon - Helen Grant read, September, 2014


• American Gods - Neil Gaiman read, October and November, 2014


• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon read, January, 2015


• Owl in Love - Patrice Kindl read, February, 2015


• The Cat Who Played Brahms - Lillian Jackson Braun read, March, 2015


• The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown read, April, May & June, 2015


• The Outlaws of Sherwood - Robin McKinley read, July, 2015


• The Cuckoo's Calling - Robert Galbraith (aka JK Rowling) read, August & September, 2015


• The Cat Who Played Post Office - Lillian Jackson Braun read, September, 2015


• Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn read, October, November, & December 2015


• The Cat who Knew Shakespeare - Lillian Jackson Braun read, December, 2015


• The Princess Bride - William Goldman read, January, 2016


• The Big Over Easy (re-read for me, new for Andrew) - Jasper Fforde read, February, 2016


• The Silkworm - Robert Galbraith read, March, 2016


• Beauty - Robin McKinley read June, 2016