Lies and falsehoods, Padfoot!

From Botany:

Professor Lubkowitz on Teaching Kindergarteners: I asked "How many eyes do spiders have?" and this kid goes "Spiders have- My fish has two eyes!" Then he talked about his fish for five minutes. And I was like 'I understand you.' (Cause Lubkowitz's mind is chaotic like that. He interrupts himself all the time.)


From Christian Ethics:

The class: *is proposing ways we can be graded on our last unit*
Kevin and Jeff: *propose different ways*
Father Mac: Ok, let's vote. Who wants to go the Kevin way? 
Three People: *raise their hands*
Father Mac: And who wants to go the Jeff way?
The Rest of the Class, Including Kevin: *raise their hands*

She ends up with two Stars of David. With mayo. - Abby, describing her friend Al's way of eating sandwiches.

Professor Lubkowitz: *spills his water on the keyboard of the classroom computer* Do you think that's bad?
Class: YES!
Professor Lubkowitz: *holding keyboard upside down, letting water run out* I'm having water issues. My well ran dry last night. I had to shower at work.

Father Mac: Do you know Zach Pratt? *points at Zach Pratt*
Girl: I do now.
Father Mac: That's too bad.

The set up: Then the boys in Christian Ethics today had to justify lying in a crisis. They did this by describing a situation involving Randy holding Tom's wife hostage until Tom wired him $1,000,000, at which point Randy pistol whipped Tom and his wife, leaving them unconscious but alive. The class's objective was to show how lying was not justified in that situation.
Someone: What if he doesn't love his wife?
Jeff Mack: *muttering* You can take her and the million dollars...


None of these really convey the hilarity of their situations, but they're the best I can do.